It’s been a big month on my journey to healing.
I quit smoking! Above and beyond being great for me for all the usual reasons I think this will be monumental because for eight years, my whole adult life, I’ve smoked clove cigarettes which are ground clove and tobacco– clove which has a high salicylate content which seemingly I am allergic to. I am dreaming of how quiet and peaceful my immune system will be without this bad guy who I have bombarded my body with day in and day out for so many years. It’s been three and a half weeks since I had my last cigarette. I’m proud of myself and can’t wait to see how good I can feel… But In the meantime I am grumpy all the time with no patience and missing cigarettes every day.
I’ve been six weeks gluten free, nearly sugar free, nearly dairy free, very low salicylate, and almost no processed food. It’s still a struggle but I’m settling into it more and finding more satisfying, filling things I can safely eat. I crave my “old foods” all the time but as time goes on I feel clearer about what I’m doing and why. I’ve stopped taking all OTC meds as well. My reasoning for this is the chemical, additive and dye sensitivity I’m experiencing and also to reduce the toxicity in my body in general. This has been tough, I especially miss Ibuprofen and Tums, but am eager to find natural causes and real remedies for all that ails me.
Four weeks ago I also got hit with a bad case of bronchitis that lasted for three weeks. As terrible as I felt and as hard as it has been at times I am actually grateful this happened. It forced me to pause, take a break from my life and created space from my habits and routines to make some real changes (like quitting smoking!)
I also told my work last week that I can’t do my job anymore. Totally scary for me and also a huge relief. Three years ago I made a great job change to managing a wonderful local coffeeshop but I know now it came with a price. I felt great when I took on the job and I didn’t tell anyone I had MS. I can see I’ve been getting sicker for the past three years which I think Is directly related to the amount of stress I’ve carried in that time and how I haven’t coped well with it. The company I work for is very supportive and it turns out my bosses already knew I had MS. They’re letting me do whatever I need and helping me to take care of myself. It feels so good to be honest and open with everyone and speak up for what I need.
As someone who works with me said, walking away like this and going into the unknown makes room for personal magic to happen. That idea has stuck with me and helped give me comfort during this time of uncertainty. I’m operating on faith that I’m doing the right things and that it’s going to help. All I have left is the idea that radical change in my life and my choices is my best hope for feeling better and healing my MS.
I want to feel better so badly. The weakness in my legs is unrelenting. It’s been worse sometimes lately. Standing is hard, walking is hard, and that terrifies me. This is where the faith comes in. One foot in front of another seems especially appropriate. I’m gonna keep making the hard choices that I know are good for me even without getting any immediate reward, knowing the benefits lie ahead… I just really hope it all pays off soon. I have a good feeling about it.
***Tecfidera update: I’m still only on a half dose (once a day at night) but have done a really good job of taking it every day for more than two weeks. Been feeling OK so far — only a little flushing, no stomach problems. I think next week I will try taking the full dose see what happens. I wonder how other people are doing. It sometimes feels like I must be the only one who has a hard time getting myself to take it.
It's my MS. 